Ok, where to begin.  We (Mike, Stephen, and myself) are officially Hamburglars.  This all came about when we arrived to Hamburg, Germany and got totally dumper fucked by the U-bahn (subway system) by not letting us get tickets or pay.  Since we’re very smart and stealthy, we burgled our way on there for free trips for a good three days.

we nearly witnessed a good old fashioned beat down one day, some homeless man invaded another’s space; encroached on his territory if you will.  they pushed and shoved, then some obtuse woman who looked like the ring leader for the make a wish foundation came between them and cooler heads prevailed. it was sad.  had she not interfered, we’d have seen a whole lot of sour kraut.

also, thanks to Jana for letting us stay at her place.  we kept it neat and tidy aside from the terrible odours.  i blame mike, and myself for eating mcd’s and drinking beer before bedtime.  morning stomach rumbles are never pleasant.

steven seagal would have been full of joy, as my body went thru all stages of his career - under seige, under seige 2 (my gut had a relapse), fire down below (not a good night), and my favourite of the bunch… exit wounds. he wasn’t in that, but it’d have been good if he was. plus, it was fitting.

Stephen, you and your flat-mates are totally awesome.  we can’t thank them enough for being accommodating and kind as well as putting up with us.

It was a great time, the floor and i are now dating by the way, we got so close in those few days <3 i miss her smooth wood already. uh… ?

one night we went to a drag show, was a lot of fun actually, a drag show where Mike got wild jealous that I made time with his woman.  I’ve got insane game.** i went on stage with this little vixen whose name was julie jail, bar is molly moggs for those interested.  anyways, she wrapped her legs around my waist and poked my hip with her gun.  it was uncomfortable, but worth it to see mike in the background snorting like a wild boar, insane with rage.  face flushed crimson, nostrils flaring, oh it was delight.  then the moment ended and we went back to drinking.  i have a picture, which will be inserted here soon.

Though, before that, we saw a little show I like to call, Waiting for X-men, starring Sir Ian McKellen, and Patrick Stewart.  They are better known as Magneto, and Professor Xavier/Capt. Picard.   And yes, for the record, he did see everything and also at the same time made it so.  Mike and I meandered about London for the entire night and found ourselves waiting in front of the theatre for tickets at 4 am.  Disaster.  I wheeled a hot girl while on no sleep and looking like a bag of balls, just imagine what I can do on a full tank… (not much, if that)  Anyways, Magneto and Picard were putting on something I like to pretend was a clinic for failed actors on what to do; not suck.  They expressed emotions I didn’t even know existed thru the majesty of their words.   It blew my face off.

we met some british dudes at a bar one day whilst shoppin on oxford st.  they dug my kicks, and also american TV.  mike went bananas on his knowledge of the wire and lost (ask him about his theory) it pretty much rocked my socks off.  they were our new pals and taught us some slang.

example:  you see a friend on the street, you holler: hey geyser.  or bloke, or wanker.

i inspected many a fanny, and noticed my fair share of knickers.  it was rather exciting.  we feasted on steak and rabies pie, and pubic herring.

during one of many nights on the town, we were witness to several slags, not to be confused with the common lady of the night, these have bad teeth and a worse temper.  with that accent, it was just a flurry of letters, sounding more like a rabid dog with an insatiable hunger than a woman getting ripped off for her more than likely terrible services.  personally, i asked for a refund after.  her face told me she was unimpressed.  i on the other hand, a stalwart gentleman was pleased as bunch and displayed this by laughing profusely.

** my insane game really isn’t, as on the plane ride home Mike and I got really drunk off cheap wine and then proceeded to get cu off.  Yes, us, cut off.  Seriously, it happeend.  two upstanding young men at the peak of their respective universes were stopped from indulging in some sauce.  back to my non-game tactics.  i spent the majority of the ride eye molesting a hot little number sitting in the aisle beside us.  we made passionate eye contact on at least two occasions and i could tell though she didn’t know my name, she knew me (as a creeper).  i had all sorts of good things to say to her, but that was dashed when the wine took over.  waiting for our luggage, i siddled up beside her and said “sorry for eye boning you for the better part of 6 hours.” she said it was ok and she didn’t notice.  i laughed.  her dad came and got her… they left.  Mike made fun of me.

more to come, next time.

seems this day is way over hyped; you notice how people in general take this as the one day a year to show their special someone just how non special they are by only doing something nice on this day, instead of being great all year round?

its almost like some marketing genius (asshole) figured they could make a ton of money by dedicating this day to save people a lot of time and effort and wrap up a full year of love into one day or several if its a weekend.  this way, if you neglect your duties to buy flowers, candy, a blow up doll, a card, whatever it may be on feb. 14th, suddenly you find yourself single and alone - much like me.

im not saddened by this, no, more relieved if anything.  just gives me hope that one day i’ll be able to find someone who understands things the same way i do.  no, this isn’t a cop out that i don’t want to spend money on someone or what have you; just that i get really angry when people rub it in my face that they got SO much shit from their significant other to show how much they’re loved.  as if i care, you’ll probably end up dumped with crabs within a week.  if one day is all it takes to show love or affection or end a fight, etc. then maybe its all a waste.

yeah, i’m pretty bitter.

though, lately my weeks have been occupied by smith, an awesome girl from van city all star that harasses me with funny jokes and limericks and stories that are pretty great.  she gets me, we’re on the same page.  this is kind of an air high five/props to all that.

and yes, she was/is my valentine.  i didn’t get her shit.  i know, i know - im a jackass.  or is it really that im so clever i can simply show how i care any day of the week, or all of them?  what counts more, i’m not sure, but i wouldn’t mind finding out.

i spent the feb. 14th weekend in Grand Bend with my buddies mike and dandy, and needless to say it rocked my face off.  there was no vagina around, but i think thats what made it fun.  there was no stress about what to do or how to act, there was just lots of gas, food and randy jokes.  i was very happy with everything.  big ups to parkhouse, your wings have no equal.

also, since i’ve gotten started, why is everyone making such an issue about this steroids shit with a-rod and all the other players?  congress is involved and they are doing supreme court hearings and such.  seems like a sad day for everyone.

really, lets examine this using MY logic.

first off, all these guys that have been caught using steroids have a tarnished rep, their stats count for nothing, they are ridiculed and made to look like a bad guy.  i get it, steroids are illegal, but so are a lot of other things, far more threatening.  who have these guys hurt?  only themselves really.  fans feel cheated, but fans mostly suck anyways, they change with the days, one day cheering for their team, the next booing them or a player if they aren’t producing to the fans high standards.  fuck off.  as if these people could do any better!

look at josh hamilton, a former heroin junkie who has since cleaned up his act to become a pretty decent baseball player.  he’s looked at as a role model.  this is pretty sad.  heroin is far worse than steroids.  yeah, they’re both illegal, but steroids doesn’t just affect the person taking it, it affects their familes and friends who have to deal with their shit and pay their rehab bills and support them even though they’re a waste of time.  i know it doesn’t help make you a better baseball player, but how much extra distance do roids give a player hitting the ball?  it doesn’t give them better hand eye coordination, it doesn’t make them a faster runner, or a better thrower.  it helps them stay focused longer and heal from injuries quicker.  shame on them for trying to stay healthy to help their team get ahead.  how many people have wanted that?

now its suddenly a huge deal.

this is the end of my rant, and yeah, i know roids are cheating and lame, i just wanted to make a big deal of it for nothing.  a-rod and his buddies rafael palmeiro (my childhood hero) and big mac are assholes who lied to congress and deceived fans everywhere with their shit.  i hope none of them make the hall of fame.  oh, tack on barry bonds, and that clown roger clemens.  what the fuck is misremembering?  you make millions and still can’t read or speak properly.  i hate you.

time to watch escape from L.A.  nothing kurt russell does is impressive, but this movie has solid gun fights and shitty acting. makes for a good evening.

adios.

well im pretty jacked right now.  so far this years month to celebrate all that is me has gotten off to a GREAT start.

first it started with a nice introductory fist fight with my quebec counterpart GSP putting that little hawaiian scrapper BJ Penn into a hurt locker.  then they had an event so epic and amazing they called it the SUPER BOWL.  nothing can compare to this, and yes, my fellow african american mike tomlin was the winning coach.

this is no coincidence, all of this is meant to happen.  first came me, then obama, now tomlin?  crazy how we’re only on day 2 and already this is by far the best month in the history of the calendar.  it just occured to me why febtober has the fewest amount of days; clearly its because the earth would explode if it had to deal with a full regular month of amazing feats and things.  this way, it is all over and done with sooner rather than later, but the effects are everlasting and can be witnessed for weeks afterwards - like armageddon with that guy who tries to kill and asteroid with a gun.

im already fairly drained emotionally and physically from these past few days, im not sure if i can last another 4 weeks.

hell, i even made a telling and dramatic confession earlier just to get things off to a good start, there’s no tap dancing into this month, its all about kicking the door down and announcing your presence like you would if you had just gotten someone pregnant, especially if you’re proud of it. (FACT: doesn’t happen often).

so there it is, a month to celebrate culture, awesome, and things that incorporate both.  keep up the good work.

anyone else see this train wreck?

jason statham ran around kicking ass since he’s mad jacked and has an accent, but that crazy loopjob gingerkid whose name escapes me was just brutal.

her acting made me want to put my face into a blender, probably would have been less painful.

it makes me wonder how people get cast in movies they have no business being in.  generally, if you’re not talented, you either have to be really good looking (to draw a crowd) or suck the directors bone.  in any event, this fiery red head had nothing going for her.  every time she talked it was like listening to a bad porn… featuring animals.  moving on; this isn’t a review of the movie, just an account of the effect that redheads have on me - none.

if a forest fire, and a spastic troll, like gimli, were to make a baby, here’s what the result would be:

basically, forest fire + equals = this piece of fiery trash.

WOW… this is bright enough to perform lazy eye surgery.

are you serious here? this is what happens when siblings make kids.

i know im no model, but as such, this gives me the right to rip on her, since she sucks.

here’s a little ginger ale to help soothe your aching face:

if you’re wondering who this is, go see the new james bond movie : quantum of sex appeal, starring gemma arterton.

i hear that daniel craig is up for an oscar as best supporting actor.  she carried this film… till she died. i was very impressed with her salacious and sensual action poses and flirtatious personality.  this sultry beauty is one of a kind, since ginger kids are pretty rare to begin with.

im tempted to make a new bond movie and resurrect her.  it’d be called : james bond 007: quantum of my boner.

she’d star as the hot zombie bond girl, i’d be james bond minus that accent.  i’d run around for an hour and a half making fun of midgets, lame bad guys who try to take over the world using some shitty scheme they saw on tv, and blowing things up with guns.  oh, and treating women like toys and smacking their bums and ask for pie.  thats how bond does it, remember sean connery?  he said it was ok to smack your woman if she deserved it. thats pretty intense considering women throw themselves at him.  by this, i have to assume he’s doing something right, aside from being old like the earth.

till next time.  oh, go see notorious. he’s black and used to rap.

whats with girls favourite fantasy being to get rescued by some asshole riding a pony, and talk to you about the shapes he sees in clouds and whisper a randy limerick into your ear? boring. and gay.

why can’t they just be upfront and say they want some big burly lumberjack son of a bitch with a wool (plaid) sweater and chest hair, maybe a gold chain and a moustache to toss then against a wall and do things that you’d be hard pressed to see in a dark alley late at night in a shady part of town.

its not a crime, unless it is.  but i’d get away with it.

oh, i garfunkled your mother.

so, i was at burger king the other (and yes, i know i hate it there as per a previous rant… but still) and i ordered the angry whopper.

here’s how it played out.

me: GIVE ME AN ANGRY WHOPPER NOW!!!

her: *crying* why are you yelling at me sir?

me: “I’M ANGRY, GIMME A WHOPPER, BEEF WENCH!”

her: *hysterical crying… farts*

me: “FUCK… YOU’RE ALL INCOMPETENT AND SMELL”

needless to say, i got my angry whopper.  it made me more angry since it taste like cow testicles and the sole of a construction workers boot

here some advice on dating your friends ex:

you hook up with her, and take off her panties… and get smacked in the face with a penis.

do you tell anyone, or just keep it a secret that your buddy hooked up with a tranny, and so did i… i mean you.

brutal.

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