i was watching porn last night as i didn’t go out and was getting kinda antsy around midnight and it started getting boring fast.  i mean, its been a while since i’ve gotten any which wasn’t helping. but the people in the porn started looking like people i know.  in the first scene two girls were getting all naked with each other and suddenly started eating strawberries.  i was hoping they’d make me some fruit salad with fondue, but that didn’t really work out.  suddenly one of them bent over and transformed into my grade 7 english teacher, who for the record was gorgeous and i was in L with.  sadly, the other girl started looking a lot like my friend who’ll remain nameless, but i was disgusted and had to turn it off.  my boner fully slain of anything sexual, was resorted to doing nothing.  i then watched the office and fantasized about how much fun it would be to work in an environment surrounded by awesome people and dwight.

back on track for a second, have you ever tried watching different types of porn for varieties sake, ie one with a plot (right…) or animals, or fetish?

me neither, but im curious and want to kill time.

story time:  back in the day, like we’re talking years ago when i was young and naive, i nearly got caught watching stuff involving women and themselves.

it was like discovery channel, but everyone was naked and had toys.

anyhow, my heart was racing similar to that of a raccoon drunk with ambition as he saunters towards the highway, i couldn’t wait to see what was on the other side, i mean… what happended next.

well, what happened was people walked in the room, and i had to cover up with my science textbook.  lucky for me it was like 800 pages and pretty heavy.  it took care of the situation.  sadly, i was hurt, and offended, more embarrassed than anything, but no one would be the wiser.

i just read some boring drivel about feminism and politics.  im pretty sure i’ll never be aroused again, its a sad day in the life of darryl, one of many to be sure.

i’ve stopped keeping track, as im fairly confident those days outweigh the good.

till next time, <3

so, i was out the other day minding my own business when i had to piss.

i stopped off at the eaton’s centre and used the public bathroom.

i was at the urinal surrounded by dude’s. i looked to my left and laughed, same to my right then asked “so… this where all the dicks hang out?”

and thus explains the story for my black eye.

i was getting the snow fever, you know where you start losing it and ranting about things to inanimate objects? well it was happening, so i figured i’d tame this with some food.

yes, i got domino’s pizza to deliver. two piping hot pizza’s, one meat lovers and one canadian.

yes, i also asked him how the weather was.

… his look of rage answered all remaining questions i had for him.

case in point, this pizza is delicious and a great way to kill a day. im thinking maybe i’ll order some pizza for dinner, good idea, or not?

i really wanna go and have a snowball fight, possibly make snow angels with fun people, but sadly, conditions are lame and make for rough driving. i know this, cuz last night sucked too.

dinner was good though, which brightened everything.

im mad antsy, time to go throw things at squirrels.

ok, im not gonna go into the history of women and all that business, but as most people know (its a scientific fact actually) that women have a tendency to need and more specifically want things that are generally ridiculous.  point in case, flowers.

what is the need for flowers? sure, its the thought of getting something that matters most, so why not just say “i thought of getting you flowers… but didn’t”  then expect a bj or something equally good, like breakfast, bacon included.  am i selfish to think this is a bit extreme? guys don’t want or need flowers and trivial shit to make us happy.  really, a beer, some wings and possibly a good sporting event is adequate.

anyways, back on track; flowers are stupid. you  know they’re gonna die, but yet you still take care of them and feed them water and all that.

you know what, i have a modest proposal - you like taking care of things that are gonna die anyways, i may as well get you a terminally ill child.

think about it. its a thoughtful gift, you can care for it, and unlike a flower, you can interact and potentially bond… then one day, lil timmy doesn’t answer you and into the garbage he goes.

you know after a while you water those flowers and the petals start falling off and you’re like “uh oh… i know where this is headed.” yeah, same goes for when timmy is in the bath and you notice skin samples drifting away from his body as the leprosy really kicks it into 5th or even 6th gear, if he’s a really powerful case.

simple math here.

flowers + time = wilting and death.

timmy + time = refer to above.

there is no hidden variable, which is kind of sad, but beautifully tragic. almost poetic in a way. makes me wanna riverdance and shout out words that have meanings.

furthermore, i’d like to add that im not insensitive, im a realist. im more than willing to buy a girl flowers, i just haven’t yet cuz… well thats a separate issue we’ll deal with next time.

good night, and thanks for stopping by, but mostly stay classy.

yeah, think about it.

i mean, we’ve all had dreams about a threeway with some hot opposite sex members, but im thinking of starting a team, somewhat like an extra-curricular activity of sorts. you could sign up and switch partners each day for better practice. there would also be a rating system based on various categirues, such as stamina, performance, originality and creativity, how spontaneous you are, etc.

really though, how fucked up do you have to be to even make a video like this?

its pretty evident (to me at least) that these two broads can’t get a dude or anyone for that matter, so since they’re craving attention they decided to get in touch with their inner skank-job tard and make a video so ridiculous and repulsing that they’ll only have each other forever and ever. (thats love)

i know im adding to the hype by talking about it, but i dont give a shit.

so im on about 6 red bulls today, which i find out isn’t good for my health, i am feeling like a sack of nuts and its scary.  my eyes don’t work and i have the motor skills of an autistic child. sure it sounds insincere, but if you were in my position, you’d feel sympathetic to my plight.

i need an oh henry.

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